Monday, August 29, 2016

Hello, Darkness, my old friend.

My Fitness Pal.

I freaking hate you.

Seriously. You are the legit worst.

We've had an on and off relationship. Mostly off because I can't stand your judgement as you watch me eat my way through Taco Tuesday (which is basically every day).

But I read this article this morning and got all inspired.

I absolutely abhor the idea of automating things that are personal. Water trackers give me rage nosebleeds (just drink water all day. Not hard.) The idea of a shared online calendar between spouses gives me the creeps (talk to each other - don't be a stalker). I don't have a to-do list on my phone. I don't track my ovulation on an app (because I'm always more accurate than an app! Thank you, Taking Charge of your Fertility.) I keep lists in a (gasp) notebook.

Maybe it's my "old Millennial" status, but I just hate that everything is automated.

But when I started thinking about tracking my food and adding up calories, I got really tired. This is one automation that I can get behind because I don't think about what I eat. And I certianly don't have an idea of how many calories are in a certain item. My brain has way too much to think about to memorize that information. So I downloaded my old friend, MyFitnessPal.

So to recap how I got to this place of desperation, let's back up. I was in a car accident last week and was subsequently given muscle relaxers to help me recover. I am REALLY sensitive to medication. I don't drink and don't do drugs of any kind - so these hit me kind of hard. Husband came home on Saturday (at around 1 am) to me sitting on the edge of the bed, staring off into space and when he asked me what I was doing, I just started laughing. We apparently had a whole 45 minute conversation that I don't really remember. I didn't believe him that it had been that bad so when I took these again last night, he filmed me.

It was hilarious - and it WILL NOT BE POSTED because I was very much in my nightgown - but he played it for me this morning on the way to work and I was MESSED. UP.

Once I stopped laughing at myself and my fan theories about Grey's Anatomy, I realized a horrifying thing about my body. Ummmmmmmmm - that's what I look like????

But OMG. My years of shape wear, good hair, selfies and controlling my own light has really been deceptive. I look GROSS. I wiggle in a way that I don't think I should wiggle! This is not a pity blog! Or, a self-body shaming blog. I don't care how YOU look but I am not into how I look right now.

Years and years and years of reminders from my family and society have informed me that yes, I am fat. But for the past 8 years or so, basically since I had my son, I haven't given two craps about what society thinks that I should look like. Because of aforementioned shape ware, make up and good hair - I wear clothes really well, I always look presentable and I have a pretty face. Whatever, I look cuter than you.

But this video (No! You can't see it!) makes me realize that I probably can't move as well as I should and I should be taking better care of how I take care of my health. Thus the reintroduction of the MyFitnessPal.

 Hello, Satan.

First off, it's way too goal oriented. I get it. We should lose weight but who are you to tell me what my goal weight is?

I was going to type in 190 and then...

Okay, then. 160 it is.

And then when they ask me how many pounds per week I would like to lose, I'm met with this:

Yeah, I super hate you.

But unfortunately, I have to be super honest with you because honestly? If I'm not honest with you, there's no point. Numbers don't lie and neither do calories!

So get ready, my Fitness Pal. I'm about the load all of my rage over keeping myself accountable to you. Let's do this, you judgmental scum.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Video Blog: What had happened this week... (August 22 - August 28, 2016)

Video blog about happenings in our family this week! I filmed this in my bedroom at 12:30 am so I kind of turn into this lady for a few seconds here: 

Enjoy. ;)

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Video Blog: Life with Boys - It Always Comes Down to Farting

A small slice of life. My child is holding me hostage with his skittle breath. It's a situation.

This is a kid approved post. When I take videos, I ask him whether or not it's okay to post. He was truly proud of this one. 

Someone please save me.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

A 31 year old college drop out walks into a classroom...

... That's not a set up for a joke. I started college yesterday! For realsies! 

Being on campus with fellow nighttime students was pretty nice. We all seemed to be pretty quiet and overwhelmed and beaten down by life - so it's good to have things in common with your peers, right?

Kidding! Kind of! 

So, I haven't been in school in 8 or so years. And I was surprised at the differences. 

What Is New To Me

  • Everything is online. Online learning is everything. I've already engaged in chats with my professor and class mates on the class websites and have started working on assignments on the website.
  • Free wifi. Um. Yes please.
  • No one makes eye contact. Everyone is on their phone. The last time I was in college, I had a flip phone so...
  • There are CHILDREN in my class. Literal high school students. I felt really mommyish sitting next to that 17-year-old.
  • My English teacher hosts most of her lectures on YouTube so we can use that while reviewing materials. Pretty interesting. 
  • Smoke/vape free campus.
  • People stand up to give me seats outside of the classroom so I don't have to sit on the floor. On account of my being elderly or something?
  • Online text books. 
  • Text book RENTALS from Amazon
  • I actually feel like I can do this.
  • Less crushing fear of failure. (I said "less", not "no".)
  • My teacher texting during class. (Seriously.)
What is Completely the Same
  • None of the chairs are padded and my butt was killing me by 9pm.
  • Everyone but me still really dislikes history. 
  • Prerequisites classes are super full.
  • Used textbooks are cheaper than new textbooks that you probably won't ever use.
  • You have to do the reading in history class or you won't have any idea what is happening. 
  • A diverse population as I am attending a community college - a lot of walks of life!
  • Group projects continue to be a bane of my existence. 
I am super excited for this new chapter. I am going in with absolutely no expectations except that I want to finish my degree - no matter what it is. But I am entering this with a mindset of the journey - rather than the destination. I want to be able to learn and grow without focusing too much on when I will be done. Focus on the now! 

Reason that Mean Girl Might Not Be Your Friend... Reason #1

When you've ordered pizza for your friends (because pizza is your love language) and you treat the delivery person like a human by saying hello and making eye contact, and your friend says, "Guys! Guys! Guys! She KNOWS the pizza guy!" 

Because you're fat and love pizza. Worth it. 

Sunday, August 21, 2016

You Might Have Low Self Esteem Because... Reason #4

Upon meeting your new physician and discussing that you're wanting to try to get pregnant, she responds with, "You know, diabetes can really affect fertility."

And you're not diabetic. 

And she hasn't opened your file yet.

They Just Want to Hang Out (and Just Dance with Bad Girls).

In the wee hours of Sunday morning, it has been called to my attention that Lou Pearlman, the man that gave you NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys and (the weird cousin that no one talks about) LFO has died. I am listening to NSYNC as I prep my Sunday school lesson. 

I don't have my glasses on - which one is Lance Bass? 

While listening to NSYNC, I am reminded of my beautiful soul sister, Libby, and how very alike we are despite not being related by blood. 

There is a song by NSYNC, which is our die hard forever favorite boy group because screw you, Nick Carter, that is very obviously about doin' it. 

The first NSYNC album came out when we were 13 and I Just Wanna Be with You was on that album. It's a pretty great song but... not subtle. And one day, we were talking about the song and one of us made a remark about it being naughty and Libby was absolutely affronted.

"What?" she asked, her eyes wide with the realization. "They just wanna hang out!"

That line, "They just want to hang out", has become a part of my vernacular that pretty much only 3 people in the world understand. Maybe 4. 

But flash forward almost 20 years later, my husband has to remind me more than once that two of my favorite songs are either about getting roofied at a party or prostitution. (Artists in question are Lady Gaga and M.I.A.

I was a musician for several years, and have published poetry but apparently my authority on the subject of symbolism does not surpass that of Lady Gaga.